By Rasa Estee - 31 July 2023

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What I'm about to tell you is a real practice that I do whenever I'm hit with a case of hyper-vigilance and hyper-protectiveness during intimate and/or sexual interactions which is giving and receiving compliments intentionally. Being highly prone to blushing, I've so far figured out my way to go about this form of bed talk with a little inspiration from WWE. 

First, a disclaimer. This approach is intended to be practiced in a dynamic where you could feel a moderate to high sense of safety in relation to your intimate/sexual partner(s) whether it's a one-time or multiple-times interactions.

It is applicable neither as means to force an unsafe situation into a safe one nor manipulate by creating a false sense of safety. 

(We're fiercely-loving humans trying to grow our fiercely-loving ways, NOT dangerously pathetic pick-up artists.)

These tools are potent as they're emotionally revealing and vulnerable so please check-in with yourself to make sure that you have a baseline sense of safety with the person you're interacting beforehand.

The Basics.

Many probably think that legit bed-talk is only like the kind that Manuel Ferrara does. If one is a shy person (and not working as an actor in the p0rn industry), that benchmark would be largely unhelpful.

So, let's dial it back to the art of giving and receiving genuine compliments and how to handle blushing like the fierce lover that you are.

The Struggle.

Relational dynamics are a hot bed of vulnerability and any intimate/sexual setting often just ups the ante multiple times. Taking a risk with compliments means at least teetering at the edge of your comfort zone if not fully stepping out of it.

Your body/mind would likely sense this as a potential incoming threat that one of the first cues you'd likely feel would be some level of discomfort. When your body/mind could no longer tolerate the discomfort, your select coping mechanism swoops in to save the day.

Well, at least it thought it did. Many of our coping mechanisms are build overtime with years of past experiences to preserve the old you.

The new you probably desperately want to gush about how soft your partner's skin is at the time but your coping mechanism, now outdated, probably was reacting to an old event file when you got laugh at by an old partner that one time.

And so, you clamped down just in time to suppress that compliment to save your ass, but to, only a few minutes later, mentally kicking yourself silly for doing so. In the end, you left the site of the interaction with a sense of discontent about yourself.

Also, the new you could be the receiver. And, the compliment was so unexpectedly lovely that you blushed so deeply that you kind of curled into yourself, gone speechless, and utterly unable to move on from the moment, let alone give back a form of appreciation to signal that it was well received.

Or your mind could instantly be inundated with suspicion and negating thoughts. That outdated coping mechanism still only refers to old files where compliments were only given to manipulate you.

And worse still, the giver could see all of these mixed emotions played out on your face. The frozen you could only witness the confused or even crestfallen look on the giver's face. And... there goes the mood.

Being human can be so infuriating sometimes.

The Approach.

So here's my attempt at putting-to-paper my process in gradually re-wiring my coping mechanisms with new habits of giving and receiving compliments. 

It's turning out longer than I expected so I'm going to need to spread it out for future editions.

This is how it's going to go down:

1. Let's get clear on the WHY we do this with a little help from WWE. 

(this edition)

2. Let's get clear on the structure of a fiercely-loving compliment.

(next edition LL#05)

3. Let's use an example scenario that will describe how to a). give compliments and handle the blushing, AND b). receive compliments and handle the blushing.

(LL#06 edition)

#1 

The WHY and the WWE 

Genuine appreciation and authentic admiration are valuable for many reasons. When expressed as compliments, they can uplift our mood, strengthen the bonds of relationships, improve emotional well-being and so much more. 

In the context of intimate and/or sexual interactions, there's another reason that I'd like to highlight for the benefit of all humans of all genders frolicking under the sun. 

We give and receive compliments intentionally

to help dismantle patriarchy. 

Let me explain.

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It helps us rewire ourselves into new desired narratives by building up the numbers of positive narratives.

Living in a patriarchal and capitalistic landscape, we're inundated with constant messages to treat our bodies, sexuality and pleasures as commodities that must meet the ever-moving goalposts of fabricated market-place standards. 

Past relationships and upbringing that echoed these messages further compound their effects on us.

As a results, too many of us just live our lives carrying around a barrage of crushingly-negative narratives that are just ready to pop up in our body/mind at any given time, especially during intimate/sexual interactions.

And since negativity can get registered as a threat to our nervous system, unsurprisingly, our outdated coping mechanisms are likely on hair-trigger mode.

So, it's no surprise that in this hyper-vigilant landscape, giving and receiving compliments gets more challenging. We resist the urge to compliment and also don't know how to receive one. Add that with the tendency to get easily embarrassed, blush, and freeze on the spot, well, it's just tough.

When we intentionally practice giving and receiving compliments in an intimate/sexual setting, we choose to build up on the numbers of positive messages at play. 

You see, the trick in dealing with internalized negativity is not to directly attack it, but to drown it out with genuine positivity.

There will be resistance for sure because giving and receiving truthful positivity is SO hard to come by that at first (or even for a while) any attempts will feel super contrived or even yucky. It’s easy to feel disheartened and want to give up.

It is ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL to remember that now you know that you’re up against an oppressive system that’s been around for thousands of years. It’s hard because it’s a given that it’s hard. 

It's not a personal failing. So, tell yourself that this being hard is par for the course, and prevent it from becoming more negativity ammunition against yourself.

Dismantling patriarchy was never meant to be a solo job. We genuinely appreciate and admire each other because we're meant to fight this together with pleasure so we can all thrive.

It's a strategic, collective smack down of the patriarchy.

A lot of times, starting something is the hardest thing. And we tend to do better when we work together towards a common goal (or, in this case, fight against a common enemy).

This is where WWE comes in. In World Wrestling Entertainment, there's a tag team system. Just like our intimate and/or sexual interactions, it could be a duo of wrestlers or a whole team.

So, imagine that the internalized negative narratives as the blows and attacks by the opposing team, The Patriarchal BS. 

Your compliments are the blows and attacks by your team, The Fierce Lovers. And, the ring is the intimate and/or sexual event you're in.

You see, handling your personal negative narratives daily when you're alone might be something some of us can manage. 

But being in an intimate and/or sexual setting with another or more is like being a solo wrestler in the ring where the stakes are higher and attacks are coming from all sides because the other team comes at you in joint effort (not to mention when they start bringing in props and all!)

When starting this intentional practice feels hard think of giving the first compliment as you being the team member outside the ring reaching out your hand to offer support to your teammate who's getting attacked inside the ring. It's not about YOU. It's about coming to THEIR aid.

Receiving the very first compliment can be discomforting too. So, think about it as reaching out your hand to tap your teammate’s to have them jump into the ring so you both could do a double-team maneuver to smack down the opposing team.Again, it's not about YOU. It's about US facing the odds together. 

When it comes to ever-present, subconscious negative narratives, I’d say it’s safe to assume that support is always needed in the ring so stay focused and keep giving and receiving generously unless declared otherwise.

The more comfortable you both get at this, the more adept and joyful your team will be in delivering the right blows to the opposing team. So keep going and turn the whole thing into a tag-team extravaganza! 

Signs of weakening of the opposing team are how much more relaxed, open and expressive you both are. Your humor, laughter, gradually explicit whispers, moans and more are like the cacophony of the audience rooting for your winning moves. 

And when the two of you is left on the ring feeling safe, satisfied, and calm,you know that you’ve both won. Another sexy time, another smack down of the patriarchy.

I remember explaining this analogy to an ex-boyfriend.  I specifically asked that we both practice intentional giving and receiving of compliments, especially whenever we start to make out and during sexual interactions. (And yeah, he gave a me a mixed look of stress, doubt and mild suspicion.)

I told him that it’s not about me needing my ego stroked with empty flattery or even a praise kink. 

This is about acknowledging that so many of us have subconscious negative narratives already operating in the background, making us anxious over looks, size, performance, shapes, expectations, potential rejections, and so on ad nauseam. 

So, this practice is more about us teaming up to chip at them by boosting our capacity for expressing genuine appreciation and admiration.

When I used the WWE tag team analogy, his face lit up with understanding and excitement. 

I further explained that every time I receive a compliment from him, it's going to feel like having a trusted teammate coming in to have my back. And a part of me that was struggling with a negative narrative gets distracted by the presence of a positive narrative in the space.

And when I choose to keep complimenting him, I, too, get to learn to have his back plus distract myself from the negative talk that keeps me from appreciating him out of fear of being considered "too much," "too slutty," and so on. And vice-versa.

For the super shy blushers, this approach may help because it shifted the focus from internal to external, and turns a debilitating power dynamic of "me vs. you" into "us against them."   

It’s been my experience that, when done with a willing and decent partner(s), this WWE approach can be empowering and pleasurable for all involved.

After all, there’s nothing like the pleasure of winning  by tag-teaming and coming together against a common enemy. (And yes absolutely, the pun is fully intended! ;))

It’s a litmus test for relational courage and compatibility.

How we give and receive compliments PLUS how we handle another’s blushing moments can be a pretty decisive test for gauging relational courage and compatibility. 

Using genuine compliments to extend one’s real self for a connection with another and risking vulnerability requires courage. And the blushers often have to double up or even triple up their courage dose. 

So, it really serves us well to pay close attention to how a person’s handles and care for their own and others’ vulnerability. 

Do they respond in kind with mutual vulnerability and good humor to your compliments and blushing? Or are you met with shut down, blame, shaming or worst manipulation? 

When you witness them blush after giving you a compliment, do you light up in appreciation and smile/laugh with them and make the whole thing delightful even if awkward? Do they do the same when YOU blush? 

Does all of this bolster further attempts at more vulnerable, genuine compliments and exchanges for the both of you? 

Does your body/mind gradually feel safer and safer that you want to get freaky with them? 

(And I mean this as in the real-and-vulnerable-I’d-love-to-be-seen-kinda-freaky, NOT the I-know-how-to-perform-it-kinda-freaky.) 

For fierce lovers looking to find other fierce lovers, it bodes well to pay really close attention and take note of all of the above points. 

Because being partners-in-compliments-and-blushing has very high potential of becoming partners-in-pleasures-and-crimes-against-patriarchy. 

Relational courage that builds trust and camaraderie is utterly and unequivocally HOT!! 

Now, if you're still thinking, "But, Estee, I tend to not even know what to say. Let alone come up with compliments!"

Have no worries because next time, we'll break down in details what makes a compliment delightful and fiercely-loving. I've got your back!

And may I say that I really appreciate how you allow yourself the time to read this. Also, a few of you even reached out to let me know about the broken links in the previous edition (and helping to confirm a serious tech glitch in my system). 

Thank you for having my back y'all.

Your partner-in-pleasures-and-crimes-against-the-patriarchy,

-Estee

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This is an edited version of On Point section from Lush Letters #04 in 31 July 2023.

Image credit: Big Head Lady, 2017. Manual Collage. Art by Vantiani