By Rasa Estee - 02 June 2023
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That was my line of thought about this first edition of Lush Letters FOR MONTHS.
Once again, I'm forgetting that many, if not most, first times in this life often leave so much to be desired. (Just like many of my sexual firsts. But that's for later.)
After 45 years on this planet, I've learned enough to only set my aim for creative excellence and NEVER perfection. But, oh dear me, perfectionism is so insidious.
But then life did its thing. It served up a buffet of system errors, the flaring up of chronic pain, brain fog, ... and brought me back to reality.
It grounded my runaway visions and cheekily reminded me to just get on with getting the basics right first.
Perfectionism is SO adept at distracting us with 'more' that we often lose sight of the 'core' or most important things.
Like the fact that this newsletter is about us. You and me.
It got me already stressing out about delivering the perfect first content to you BEFORE I even ask you about what you want/need.
What a classic recipe for content (AND relational) disaster!
While YOU can read details about me, my scope of practice, my programs, the experiences of my clients, etc., there's so much more for ME to know about y'all (especially since my work supports BOTH cis-het women and men).
So, let's get straight into it, shall we?
What kind of perfectionism that gets kicked into gear for you
when it comes to
sex, love, and relationship?
(FYI, I'm a solo entrepreneur.
So, I'll be the only one reading every one of your reply. : ))
I'll start us off by sharing mine.
These days, I notice that the kind of perfectionist thoughts that sometimes snuck its way in are those along the lines of how I should be doing so much more for my sex, love, and relationship situation to get me "back in shape," or "level up,"
Both of those phrases are such giveaways. A part of me is clearly holding on to some past state, a previous version of me. And she wants to hurry to the future for a better one.
And then I realized that it's grief. Grief for what I perceived I have lost in the past few chaotic years.
It's also fear of the possibility of not being able to get to a better place, stat. (And a place that, if it couldn't be exactly the same as the previous one, at least I'd be a better one from THAT baseline?!).
It also means that I must be finding it quite challenging to be right here, in my present situation. (How human of me. Sigh.)
"But since I actually have a certification on the subject of sex, love, and relationship," the perfectionist urge insists, "I must be leading by example and get on with making changes asap." (Writing that line makes me wanna give myself an eye roll emoji so bad.)
Before I move one, I just want to clarify that all these sentiments and desires for the better are all legitimate and could be considerably helpful for our lives. There's no shame for wanting better things.
(Funny enough, I've found that the trick with shame is NOT to shame it. I just let it be there until it subsides from lack of attention.)
You see, my struggle is usually in trying to remember the lessons I've already learned from past perfectionism attacks quick enough before I spiral off into perfectionist hell.
I've had quick days and slow days. And these lessons so far tend to come through for me, either in preventing me from falling into the hell or getting me out of it.
I'll share the details in the next edition. In the meantime, I'm looking forward to hearing about you and your perfectionism. We can compare notes!
And thank you for helping me tame my work perfectionism by giving me a chance to get the basics covered.
May this kick-off many more conversations that'll fine-tune this newsletter into one that is helpful and joyously sexy.
I'm delighted at the thought of this and of you all.
So off we go,
-Estee
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This is an edited version of a piece of writing in Lush Letters #01 in 02 June 2023
Image credit: That Dog Who Got Away #1, 2017. Manual Collage. Art by Vantiani