By Rasa Estee - 16 June 2023

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I'm all for you and I having the best of things during our time on this rock. Honestly, though, a lot of the times (and I mean A LOT), I could really do just quite well with the yum-for-now.

(At this point, some of you might be gasping from the shock that an online coach seems to be advocating for "settling" instead of "peak performance." Bear with me. ;))

I mentioned a few weeks ago that the most recent perfectionism attack I'd been having regarding my sex, love and relationship situation have been thoughts telling me that I should be doing so much more to "get back in shape" and "level up."

(Especially because I'm supposed to be this certified coach bla bla bla. Getting trained as a coach drenched in a culture that pushes "peak performance" and "evolution hacks" as the ideal may have a bit to do with that. ;))

Let's be clear about one thing about me. I LOVE thinking up better things. In fact, my goal is to support us so we could imagine and create a better world where we can all flourish. 

The thing is, sometimes I get so discombobulated in my own thoughts and I find it super hard to tell the difference between perfectionism attacks and true and joyful creative expansion.

So , I sat down to sort out my thoughts about this to share it with you. Now this is going to be written in no certain order and may resemble one those "5 Things You Need To Do If You..." kind of list. I assure you that this, by no means, should be treated as such.

This is my attempt at putting into words years of personal observation and process. If some resonates with you, I'm glad. If not, then that is really... just that. 

Here's what I notice about my perfectionism attacks (PAs) versus my joyful creativity (JC):

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#1

Perfectionism attacks are full of 'shoulds'.

PA: "I should be a sex goddess (or any deity you prefer). I should do more of this and I should be having this kind of experiences."

Joyful creativity is full of 'coulds.' 

JC: "I could be a sex goddess. Maybe I could do more of this and I could be having this kind of experiences."

#2

Perfectionism attacks tend to have a short ideas streak with vague, nebulous external comparisons dominating the content.

PA: "I should be a sex goddess like my teacher, that trans-woman I follow on IG, that senior traditional dancer icon, my colleague."... and so on. 

(And soon I found myself with nothing other than feeling dejected.) 

Joyful creativity tends to be able to go way further down the idea street and even transforms these external comparisons into an invitation to thoughtfully REDEFINE MY OWN CONTEXT for myself. (And this would inspire, feed, and fuel my fascination to keep letting the idea take me places.) 

JC: "I could be a sex goddess like that trans-woman icon. Hmmm, how do I mean by that? Umm...I think I'm very inspired by her huge capacity for .... And also this... And I wonder how that come about for her. How would that look like for me?" 

(And so on, deliberately and giddily, I'd dive into the rabbit hole.)

#3

Perfectionism attacks tend to come with a tone that ranges from a slight, under-handed dismissiveness to full blown disdain over my present circumstances and situations. They also come with the unpleasant emotions and bodily sensations to match. They're mean. 

PA: "I should be a sex goddess like this (insert however I was not at the time). I can't believe that I don't/can't even masturbate as often as I did/should."

 Joyful creativity tends to come with a more vulnerable and a I've-got-nothing-to-hide-and-no-more-fucks-to-give kind of attitude. It's fierce in its kindness and self-compassion for my present situation. (And this level of clear-seeing and feeling almost always opens me up to more potent possibilities.)

JC: "I could be a sex goddess. Well, the kind with so much joint pain that I'm less able to use my hand to masturbate in the way I used to. (*sigh) And I don't particularly like those vibrating sex toys. (*sigh again) Oh wait, are there other kinds that make movements instead of vibrates?" (*action mode)

#4

Perfectionism attacks tend to set the goals and expectations SO HIGH, AND come bearing the killer of all joys and easeful starts that is the all-or-nothing mindset. 

PA: " I should be a sex goddess like ... (insert anyone who has DECADES of experience, and a completely different set of circumstances and support system). I mean, if not like this, what even is the point. I should always aim higher after all. Bla bla bla." (And no action happens.)

 Joyful creativity and its 'coulds' easily lend itself to be broken down into tiny goals with identifiable internal and external needs and the action steps to have these needs met. Starting would be made easier simply because I COULD always reel things back and forth to meet where I'm at... at any given time. 

JC: "I could be a sex goddess living with perimenopausal joint pain that regularly masturbates and have a fabulous time with it and continue to try different things. Ok, first I'd need the right sex toy to aid my hand. And maybe try a few to finally settle on one. Ooh, I'll also block time in my daily schedule for it. Yup. Oh and then which playlist, I wonder?" 

(*Opens computer and google)

#5

Perfectionism attacks LOATHES seeking and asking for help, frames it as a weakness that will take away the value/quality of my growth. It ADORES hyper-individualism (because ALL the credit and merit MUST BE ALL ON ME AND ONLY ME and anything less is trash). They'd rather see me be lonely forever on some fantasy pedestal.

PA: "I should be a sex goddess like ... (AGAIN insert anyone who has DECADES of experience, and a completely different set of circumstances and support system). I mean, they've gone through so much and they did it ALL by themselves. (?!) I should be able to overcome this myself. The sex toy website gets kinda overwhelming?! I'm a certified coach, for crying out loud! What would your client thinks?" 

(Maybe I'll get the action done. Maybe not. I was definitely alone no matter what. So, yay me?!)

Joyful creativity frames asking for help as an essential and enriching part of the creative process AND the human experience. Asking for help CAN be about wholesome growth, easeful learning (not the same as being lackadaisical), and more fun and pleasure all around.

(I know. I know. Rejection abounds and humans can be trash a lot of times, etc.. But that's for later. Let me know if you want me to write about and start a discussion on why and how to ask for help AND receive it. Also, how to handle receiving rejection AND rejecting a request for help when you have too little or none to give. Just hit reply and tell me. Now back to me.)

JC: "Oh, I could set up a Zoom call with my friend so we could look up the sex toy site together over tea and loads of laughter. Yeah, that'd be fun."

(*Texting a friend across the world).

Maybe YOUR situation could be something like:

"Oh, I wish I could just talk to some one about this. I mean, I think I know what I want but somehow I just couldn't go there and do what I need to do. But I've no one to talk to about that in MY circle. Even if I do, I'd die of embarrassment!!"

Just know that this is where Turn-On Sessions come in handy. And there are slots still available.

I guess, that's all I wanted to and could say.

That we're human; perfectionism attacks are way too common but joyful creativity abounds. And that if you need help, I'm here.

Thanks for receiving my joyful creativity. 

(Plus my finally being able to use the word 'discombobulated'. :))

Your kind,

-Estee

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This is an edited version of On Point section from Lush Letters #02 in 16 June 2023.

Image credit: Pretty Messiah, 2009. Manual Collage. Art by Vantiani.